sometimes i want to remind you that i am a person. and to shake you until you realize that you fell in love with an idea, and i am flesh and bone. and mostly that its time for you to move away from me because i was never what you wanted.
A girl in my Sociology class turns around during a class activity on goals to start a conversation with me. Her opening line is: ‘I want to get married.’ I nod and smile. She does not ask me my goals, just continues telling me the sort of guy she’d like to be with and how many kids she’d like. Thoughtfully, she adds, ‘My mom told me to meet someone and marry them. You don’t wanna date around because you wanna be fresh for the guy and not a….you know what.’
My cousin’s Facebook ‘About Me’ lists things she would like in a man. There is nothing about her or the things she does, only qualities she finds attractive. ‘Looking for someone who can play the guitar and cook a great dinner,’ she wrote. I can hear her bubbly, singsong voice while reading it. She is thirteen years old and has told me that girls ‘oughta only kiss their husbands and that’s it.’ When I ask her what she wants to be when she’s older she says, ‘Married.’
My male friend tells me that he has no problem with what girls do, but that he would not date a girl who’s ‘been around’ because she’d be ‘dirty.’ I wonder if each time someone touches you, a part of you is soiled. If there are piles of dirt in the spaces where others’ fingers once rested. In the shower, I try to scrub the smell of dirt from myself, but come out, still polluted, with red scratch marks all over me.
Being called a ‘you know what’ taught me some things: that I do not want to be touched by somebody who will judge my past. That I am not a tally book, with others’ names burned into me. If you have to label me as something, let it be a human being."
Anonymous: Please can you write or post a poem about loving someone so much like you can't stop thinking about them or wanting to spend the rest of your life with them And post a poem about long distance relationship please? ?
Anonymous: what steps did you take to overcome your depression? I really want to do it on my own but I don't know where to start could you maybe write something about it? :-)
I have written so much of this. It’s in almost all of my work, even if I don’t say it outright!
- I’m Fine I’m Just Tired
- You Are An Illness I Barely Beat
- Maybe Liking Myself Was Just A Phase
- Under the Sea
- Things To Do When You Kinda Just Feel Like Dying
Getting myself out of a very bad place meant making a lot of positive decisions and distancing myself from things that catered to my unhealthy thoughts. It meant learning who I am and making decisions which made me like myself. It meant removing myself from toxic relationships-romantic and platonic- doing things I wanted to do, and moving. It meant taking bad thoughts for what they are and not allowing them to convince me to do terrible things, especially to myself. It meant not driving myself crazy with over-thinking and logically looking at my problems to find ways to solve them. It meant accepting myself and stopping thoughts such as, “You’re useless. I hate you,” before they even began. It meant getting away from anything which did not allow me to grow and love myself. It meant not making how I felt about myself something that others so easily manipulated.
Self-hate takes so much energy and once you believe that you deserve self-love, things get easier. I’m not saying I don’t feel terrible from time to time. I do, but that’s normal. I’m no longer in such a poor place that everything is difficult, especially making decisions which benefit me. I would highly recommend seeing a professional if you are struggling with severe depression. No one deserves to suffer so much without any help.